Anxious in Oakland…Jack London Square

Oakland, California, March 12 2015

Music – Ganesha Mantra (He’s the Hindu god who removes obstacles – much needed now)

Ever since I landed in California a week ago, I have constantly had to be on the rebound from one giant obstacle or another. I kinda feel like one of the Mario brothers in one of those castles – in a full sprint and feeling awesome about tackling whatever is coming and then SLAM! A giant wall of stone falls from out of nowhere and blocks my passage with the full intent to smash me to bits. Luckily I haven’t been smushed, and the stone slabs are more like hard rubber. Hard enough leave me jarringly disoriented but rubbery enough to bounce me back and force me to keep going (when in reality I sometimes I just want to be ‘Game Over’).

Oh California, you are so lovely at this time of year. Your warm weathered, sunshiny, spring-time bloomy, West Coast vibe, and close proximity to so many of my dear friends. I feel like we are friends and I have a crush and you are telling me ‘Don’t even think about it!’ Because of course I think about it. I’ve always thought about you California…I’ve always wanted you and lusted for you, longed for you to long for me. But I can see now you just want me as a part time lover…I’m the vacationer you love to entertain here and there…but nothing more. I’ve been coming around too much, and this time you’re giving me what I want alongside a warning that you are not my home…we are not each others’ primary lovers…and I shouldn’t get too comfortable right now…

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Here is said coffee shop. Yes it was good, I won’t deny that.

There’s my prosaic explanation for what’s been going on since I got here. LA traffic, boss’ flight canceled, a groundless parking ticket, a toll-road violation, a knocked on my ass illness (again), overpriced coffee shops that close too early and have no wifi, San Francisco traffic, high fevers and temporary hearing loss due to ear infections, city driven anxiety.

All this yuck interspersed with getting high on the Natural Products Expo West, meeting incredible people, seeing California Poppies (favorite wildflower) blooming in all their brilliance, reuniting with friends I love so much, eating at my favorite breakfast spot, standing on a cliff over looking the ocean, constant movement, learning my way around new cities, smelling salty air, being surrounded by like-minded people.

I think it’s obvious that I’m feeling thrown off, spun out, high and low, ecstatic and anxious, confused as hell! Traveling always gives me this deep emotional response, no matter where I am, and maybe I’m a little bit of a masochist because it makes me feel really alive. I haven’t written at all on this trip. I’m swimming in a million thoughts and grasping for memories of people I’ve just met and let slip away. I haven’t written and I haven’t allowed myself nearly enough time to sit on the sand and feel the ocean around my feet. It’s all happened so quickly that nothing has been able to sink in. Or, rather, I haven’t been able to sink in to my beloved Earth Mother.

Sigh…Writing always provides such an amazing relief because through it I kinda dig around in myself, even if the writing appears superficial, and come to a conclusion or realization that I really need. Here, I remember what I have always known. That I have to write, I have to be in nature, I have to give myself time for my passions so that I am renewed, fulfilled, overflowing. That’s the only way I’ll be happy and/or of any use to anyone else at all!

Great little vegan soul food place where I met my long time friend Jack!
Great little vegan soul food place where I met my long time friend Jack!

Carrie Bradshaw said “Don’t quit, play the hand you’re dealt, and accessorize!”

Hallelujah!

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